Chapter One
Meet me outside l8r????
Haley’s phone, which she was innocently using to look up Bible verses as she half-heartedly followed the sermon, vibrated in her hand as the text came in. She glanced at her father in the pew beside her, but he was nodding off. Her mom was paging through a pew Bible because they’d been running late that morning, and she hadn’t been able to remember where she’d left her own Bible. Across the aisle and a few pews closer to the front of the church, her friend Maria Elena (who everyone called Emmy because it sounded like her initials: M.E.) sat, eyes forward, seemingly absorbed in what Pastor Rick was saying. Nothing betrayed her; her eyes never left Pastor Rick, even the muscles of her arms didn’t twitch, but Haley had no doubt Emmy had sent the text.
Shielding her phone as best she could, she glanced at it and read the message. Then casually, so no sudden movement would catch her mother’s eye, she answered.
Totes. Meet u out back.
Then nonchalantly, she swiped the screen and returned to the Bible, studying it as though she’d never even considered doing anything else. Her parents didn’t mind if she used her phone for church related activities like the Bible or hymnal apps, but she wasn’t allowed to surf or text during church. She tried to concentrate on what Pastor Rick was saying, but she’d lost his train of thought ages ago. Something about beasts and images and last days. She knew she ought to find it exciting and maybe even a little frightening, but it was all too confusing.
At the end of the service, as the chord of the final hymn faded, and ushers began dismissing pews, a few of her mother’s friends cornered them in their pew to chat with her mom and catch up on the previous week’s news and events. Haley squirmed, knowing Emmy was waiting for her out back on the playground of the church school. Finally, her father impatiently turned and exited the other end of the pew. Haley followed him and when he was stopped by a man he worked with and they began talking shop, Haley ducked around him and, dodging bodies, made her way to the rear of the church so she could go outside into the cool air.
To get there, she had to make her way past a knot of the “outcasts,” at least, that’s what she and Emmy called them. Several of them were bent over a Bible discussing a point of theology with Pastor Rick who was wearing his patient face. Probably they were criticizing something in the sermon, Haley thought. She edged past them not making eye contact. The outcasts looked . . . different. Not weird, exactly, but they certainly didn’t fit the church school norm that Haley had been raised with. Their clothes and hairstyles were . . . well . . . unconventional was a kind word.
For a start, their clothes weren’t “churchy,” was the way her father put it. They didn’t “dress up” for church at all, really. Not that they were dirty or unkempt, she thought quickly, not wanting to be unfair. They were clean enough. And their clothes weren’t flashy or strange, which was kind of part of the problem. They were, well, plain. They weren’t dressy at all. And you should be dressy when you went to church; that was how she’d been raised.
Unconsciously, she patted the barrette that held her long, blonde hair neatly pulled back out of her eyes so she didn’t look like a sheepdog, as her mother would say. She tried not to notice the dark, choppy hair on the Asian girl she was walking past who shifted over to give her more room to pass by without actually removing her very focused attention from the discussion with Pastor Rick.
Shasta, that’s her name, Haley thought. Or maybe it’s Shana. It was an “S” word; she was pretty sure of that. They’d never really talked much. Haley’s parents hadn’t come right out and actually forbidden her from being friends with any of the kids she and Emmy (and probably most of the church folks) thought of as outcasts, but she felt an unseen wall of disapproval surrounding them that she tried to avoid at all costs. They were different and different meant bad.
Emmy was waiting for her out on the swing set. They were far too old for it, of course, but sitting there, swinging back and forth brought back nostalgic memories of their church school days. The outcasts, of course, hadn’t gone to church school; they’d gone to the evil public school. They were an endless subject of curiosity to Haley, Emmy, and their more conventional friends, and Haley had no doubt that they were one of the things Emmy wanted to talk about in general or in particular.
Her friend was swinging vigorously on the swing, each arc bringing her higher than the last. She was short, but even she had to tuck her legs beneath her every time the swing swept close to the ground so she wouldn’t bash them on the earth.
“S’up?” she asked with a grin. This was the favorite greeting of one of their new friends, Chelsea, with her exotic mocha skin, tight corkscrew curls, and large, fashionable glasses.
After spending their freshman year hopelessly lost in a sea of unfamiliar people at the expensive, exclusive private academy they had entered after church school, the girls had finally been accepted into one of the many cliques on campus shortly after beginning their sophomore year. Admittedly, it was one of the geekier cliques in which their particular set was actually interested in making good grades, and being clever was an asset rather than a liability. Still, they had been accepted as a package deal and as a result were floating along buoyed up on a current of acceptance and the excitement of being exposed to new people and new ideas and belonging.
“S’up?” Haley grinned back. She tucked her phone into her purse and set it down with her Bible on the cleanest patch of grass she could find and hopped onto a swing. Up, up she climbed, pumping her legs harder and harder until she matched Emmy’s dizzying trajectory. When they finally stopped, both girls were out of breath.
“That was fun,” Emmy said. “I wonder what’s going on with Sylvie? Did you see her and Rory talking to Pastor Rick? They looked serious about something. Probably trying to make trouble.”
Sylvie, Haley thought, that’s her name. I knew it was an “S” word. “I didn’t hear what they were talking about, but Pastor Rick was practically rolling his eyes, so it was probably something stupid.”
“Wasn’t Rory wearing that same shirt last week and the week before? Do you think I should tell him it’s time to get a new shirt?” Emmy giggled.
Something inside Haley objected to Rory being made fun of, and she blurted out, “At least it’s a nice color.”
“Blue looks good on everyone,” Emmy agreed grudgingly, but she shot Haley a warning glance for not playing the game along with her. Then her eyes widened. “You like him!” she squealed.
“I do not!” Haley said, reeling back as though she’d been slapped. Rory was ancient! He had to be twenty-five at least! He was cute, sure, but there was someone else Haley had her eye on. Someone a whole lot closer to her own age.
Emmy seemed to sense she’d gone a bit too far, so she quickly changed the subject. “Who was that new guy? The old one in the back that some of the outcasts were talking to after church? He looked kind of sketchy.”
“I don’t know.” Haley had wondered about him herself. Their church didn’t normally get any visitors, and the ones who did come didn’t often come back. She’d only noticed him because one of the outcasts, Justin, who was the same age as Haley and Emmy and would have been in their church school class if he hadn’t gone to public school, had been the first one to greet him. She and Justin hadn’t gotten along very well since grade school when he’d been a bit of a bully. She’d steered clear of him ever since. Not that it was hard to do—it wasn’t like she saw him anywhere but at church, and he was easy to avoid there. “Justin was talking to him though, probably threatening him. I doubt he’ll be coming back.”
She laughed, but it felt hollow. She had a sudden, shameful sensation that what she’d said hadn’t been kind, and she immediately felt bad for having said it. But before she could take it back, Emmy laughed.
“You got that right. Remember that time when we were kids, and he stole your Bible? He buried it in the church yard and told you to go look for buried treasure. How lame was that?”
Haley did remember, and she felt a flash of anger. Her parents had given her that Bible for her birthday. It had been snow white until Justin’s stupid prank. They never were able to get all the grime out of the leather cover. Haley had been embarrassed to carry it around. What if people thought she had been the one who treated her Bible so badly? Finally, she’d “lost” it, and her parents had bought her a new one with a bright blue cover that had flowers stamped all over it. She still had that one, though she carried it mostly for show. When she wanted to look up anything in the Bible, she usually used her phone.
“I can’t stand him,” Haley growled. “He’s such a jerk.”
Emmy seemed to sense she’d opened up an old wound. “Forget about him,” she said, giving Haley a gentle shove and sending her swing twirling. “He’s a nobody. A public school nobody,” she emphasized, raising her eyebrows meaningfully. “We’ve got bigger fish to fry. So . . . who do you like?”
Haley flushed. She was so not telling anyone that. Not even Emmy, who could be a bit of a blabbermouth with juicy information like that. “No one. Who do you like?” she countered.
“Maz,” Emmy swooned dreamily, and Haley felt her stomach drop. She liked Maz! They couldn’t both like the same guy! And now Emmy had claimed him first. Why had she been so stupid? Why hadn’t she admitted she liked him? Stupid, stupid! Emmy was looking at her. She had to say something.
“He’s wicked hot,” she said truthfully.
“Isn’t he? And I think he likes me.”
Haley swallowed hard and tried not to look as miserable as she felt. Of course Maz liked Emmy. What was not to like? Her friend was pretty and funny and smart. With enormous effort, Haley hid her feelings and chatted with Emmy until her parents came looking for her, slightly irritated because they wanted to leave and hadn’t been able to find her.
“Don’t forget to do your math assignment,” Emmy called teasingly as Haley jumped off the swing, snatched up her things, and trotted dutifully after her parents. It was an old joke. There was no math assignment. It was their secret code phrase that meant, “If anything important happens, tell me first.”
She waved her hand behind her. Her father dug in his pockets for the car keys while her mother stopped to talk to yet another friend. Haley shifted impatiently from one foot to the other as she waited for them. All she wanted to do was go home and have a good cry into her pillow.
“Haley!” a man’s voice called to her from across the parking lot.
She turned and saw Pastor Rick jogging toward her. He lifted a hand in greeting, a big smile on his gray-bearded face.
“Hi, Pastor Rick. Did I forget something?”
“No, no, I just wanted to be sure you’re ready for the big day next week.”
“Absolutely!” Haley assured him.
She had been studying with Pastor Rick once a week for the last three months as she prepared for baptism. She’d tried desperately to get Emmy to take the big step with her. She didn’t want to be the only one looking like a drowned rat in the enormous baptismal tank, but ever since they had been at the new academy, Emmy hadn’t talked much about God and that worried Haley. Her friend seemed preoccupied with clothes and makeup and boys and new friends even though it was a Christian academy. In fact, most of the time Emmy had something snotty to say about the Christian aspects of it, and she was always cutting down the teachers.
Nothing Haley said had convinced Emmy of her need for baptism. “You don’t need to be baptized to be a Christian,” she’d said airily. So, Haley had approached Pastor Rick on her own. And she’d sat through his boring Bible studies all by herself, paying more attention to her mother’s happy puttering in the kitchen than to whatever Pastor Rick was droning on about.
“Baptism is a big step. Are you sure you don’t have any questions?”
Standing up in front of a crowd of people you know soaking wet in a lame white robe with your hair plastered to your head is a big step, Haley thought. The getting baptized part is a piece of cake. “No,” she said aloud, knowing he was waiting for a response. “You were very thorough, Pastor Rick. I’m sure I understand everything.”
He beamed as though he’d just preformed a particularly clever trick but said modestly, “Well, if you think of anything, you just call me. Otherwise, I’ll see you in the tank next week.”
“I will,” Haley assured him.
Her mother, overhearing the last part of the conversation, waved to Pastor Rick as he departed, then turned to Haley. “Baptism is a big commitment,” she said, echoing Pastor Rick’s statement. “Are you sure you’re ready, honey?”
Sheesh, Haley thought irritably, you’d think they didn’t want me to get baptized. The way they made you jump through hoops and then questioned your decision—it was like trying to get into some kind of exclusive club where nobody wanted you. It wasn’t like the people who were baptized did anything special. They didn’t have to go out and pound the streets preaching, and they weren’t being burnt at the stake for their faith. All they had to do was help take up the offering now and then or lead a song service, stuff like that. Some of them didn’t even do that much. Surely she could handle that “enormous” responsibility.
“I’m ready,” she mumbled. Her mother gave her a quizzical look but didn’t say anything.
Haley was quiet on the drive home. Her parents chatted animatedly in the front seat, but she tuned them out, sticking in an earbud and listening to a playlist on her phone. Traffic was heavy and it took more time than usual to reach their relatively quiet neighborhood.
Haley had always loved their house, a spacious brownstone in the nicer area of Hartford where she’d lived all her life. The kitchen was open and airy, and the place had grand, floor-to-ceiling windows in the living room on the second floor. Her own room was on the top floor, and she made a beeline for it. She knew she had about an hour before her mother called her down to lunch. She just hoped that today her parents hadn’t invited anyone home as they often did. She couldn’t bear trying to make polite conversation with her parents’ friends when her heart was breaking over the thought of her best friend and the cutest guy in school. It was just too cruel.
She had an enormous stuffed lion she called Harvey, and she wrapped her arms around him and curled up into a ball on her neatly made bed. She was too old for stuffed animals; she knew that. They were really just the remnants of childhood, decorations for her bed. But at times like this, when no one could possibly understand the pain in her heart, it sure felt comforting to hug them. The duvet cover felt scratchy beneath her cheek, and it wasn’t long before her salty tears were puddling up on it.
Pictures of Emmy and Maz, happy and smiling, paraded through her head. Stupid, stupid, stupid, she repeated to herself. “God,” she croaked in an agonized whisper, “don’t You care about me at all? How could you let this happen? I love him.” She didn’t feel like she got any answer from God, but a tiny, reasonable part of her brain pointed out that she didn’t really even know Maz. She’d only admired him from afar. But her stubborn heart argued that it didn’t stop her from loving him.
Eventually, her mother texted her to say lunch was ready. She gave Harvey one last squeeze before resting him in his customary place against the pillows. When she entered the kitchen, her parents were going berserk. Her mother was laughing and crying while her father twirled her around the kitchen, weaving around the furniture and grinning like a crazy man.
“What’s going on?” she asked suspiciously.
“We’re going on a trip!” her mother squealed. “To Paris!”
“Paris?” Haley had never particularly wanted to go to Paris, but a trip anywhere was fun. “When?”
“Next week!”
“What?” Haley could hardly believe it. She was going to Paris in a week! For a second she forgot all about Emmy and Maz and her troubles. She was going to Paris! She couldn’t wait to tell Emmy.
“For our anniversary,” her father explained breathlessly as they twirled to a stop, laughing and gasping. “I’ve been planning it for months, and I had to keep it a secret.”
Little warning bells started to go off in the back of Haley’s mind. Anniversary? But surely she was invited, too? “Will I have to bring my school work with me, or will I just catch up on it when we get back?”
Her parents exchanged a glance, and she knew it was coming before her father even said it. “I’m sorry, Haley. You’ll have to stay here.”
“But why can’t I come with you?” she wailed. It wasn’t fair. They’d been promising her a big trip. And she’d just gotten through her first quarter as a sophomore with high honors while she ran track and was on the academy newspaper staff. She was a model teen. No drinking, no drugging, no questionable behavior of any kind. She was even getting baptized for crying out loud. What more could they ask for? “Please?” she wheedled.
Her parents exchanged a look. “On our second honeymoon? We’d love to have you come, cricket . . . next time.”
Haley deflated. There was no point in arguing. “Spring break?” she asked, at least hoping to fix a specific time frame if nothing else.
“The very first day of summer vacation we’ll go on a fun trip somewhere,” Dad promised, and she decided to be happy with that. At least it was better than “sometime” or—she shuddered—never. Still, it wouldn’t do to seem too pleased with having to wait. She sighed dramatically and tried to look put out. It wasn’t that hard, actually.
Chapter Two
Haley spent so much time that week listening in silent misery as Emmy gushed about Maz that when she looked up to find him standing beside her locker on Friday, she had to pinch herself to be sure she wasn’t dreaming. For one thrilling second, her heart soared. But it returned to earth with a thud when she realized that he was probably going to ask her to ask Emmy to the upcoming pep rally, which was the foremost topic of conversation in the entire academy at the moment. Everyone was getting dates because before the rally and football game the drama club was putting on a “dinner theater” in the cafeteria. Haley felt a flash of irritation. Why couldn’t he ask Emmy himself?
“Hi,” Maz said, clearing his throat nervously.
“Hi.” Haley tried not to sound disgusted, but she failed miserably.
Maz looked conflicted. “Uh . . .”
“What?” Haley asked impatiently, and then immediately wished she could bite her tongue off. “I’m sorry.” She smiled weakly. “Tough week, ya know?”
Maz nodded and seemed relieved. “It’s just that I was wondering if you’d go to the pep rally with me.”
Haley knew her mouth was hanging open, but she seemed to have lost all control of her facial muscles. “Me?” she squeaked.
“My dad will bring us,” Maz rushed on hurriedly. “If that’s okay.” His expression said that it wasn’t okay by him, but what other choice did he have?
“I’d love to,” Haley said quickly, before he could change his mind. “Thank you!”
Maz blushed. “I’ll text you the time next week. See ya.”
“Yeah,” Haley breathed as she watched his retreating back. “See ya.”
She had a date with Maz!
Oh no! she thought, I have a date with Maz! Emmy is going to kill me!
She felt as though the words were still suspended over her head in a thought bubble when Emmy came around the corner. Haley froze like a startled rabbit. Emmy cocked her head curiously.
“Was that Maz I saw leaving?” Emmy asked suspiciously.
Haley felt her head nodding, but she didn’t trust herself to actually say anything.
Emmy’s eyes narrowed. “What did he want?”
She was going to find out sooner or later, Haley thought. She might as well get it over with. “He asked me to the pep rally.” She closed her eyes and braced herself for the backlash she was sure would follow but nothing happened. She cracked her eyelids to peer at Emmy, but she was gone. Fleeing down the hallway, Haley could hear her muffled sobs trailing behind. She felt a sick knot in her stomach, as though she’d killed something.
She tried texting Emmy for hours. She even tried calling, but the phone went straight to voice mail, and it was like her texts got lost out in the digital ether. Emmy was silent.
Haley thought about talking to her parents about it, but they were leaving for their trip in a couple days, and she didn’t want to darken their last few days at home with her problems. Chances were it would all have blown over by the time they came back. Why send them off with a cloud over their heads? So she kept her troubles to herself, but she missed Emmy.
She was so worried about her friend that she almost forgot she was getting baptized until the time came to choose her clothes for church. She hadn’t given it much thought. Should she dress up because it was an occasion, or should she dress down because she was going to get drenched and have no way to fix her hair and makeup afterward?
She was interrupted by a knock on the door.
“Can I come in, sweetheart?” Her mother opened the door a crack and poked her head around. She was grinning. “I got you something for your special day.” She pushed the door open all the way and entered the room holding out the most beautiful dress Haley had ever seen. The color was black until it turned on the hanger, and then it seemed inky blue. Tiny beads covered the bodice, sparkling and winking as they caught the light.
“Oh, Mom,” Haley breathed. “It’s gorgeous!”
“Hurry and put it on. We don’t want to be late for your big day.” She laid the dress carefully on Haley’s bed and turned to give her a hug. “I’m so proud of you, honey.”
“Thanks, Mom,” Haley returned her mother’s hug fiercely and tried not to cry. Maybe she should have told her about what was going on with Emmy. Her mother was a good listener, and she never seemed put out by having to deal with Haley’s problems. And she often had good advice, too. But now was not the time, and reluctantly, she let go of her mother and turned to pick the beautiful dress up off the bed.
It was like armor, she decided as she made her way through the church to the pew her family was sitting in. Beautiful clothes gave you confidence and made people look at you a certain way. Everyone she’d spoken to since she’d entered the church had commented on how beautiful her dress was and congratulated her on the “big step” she was taking.
She had one odd encounter though. Old Mr. Barnes (that was what Haley always called him because was he ever old) studied her eyes carefully, a smile on his wrinkled face, as he took Haley’s hands in his gnarled ones. “Welcome to the front lines,” he said in his quavery voice.
“The what?” Haley frowned. Front lines? She was getting baptized not going to war.
“You’re joining God’s army, young lady,” Old Mr. Barnes said. He’d glanced over at Pastor Rick who was already in his baptismal robe because he wouldn’t have time to change between the sermon and the ceremony. “Surely that young man explained it to you?”
Haley’s eyebrows shot up as she looked at Pastor’s Rick’s graying hair as he bent over speaking to someone shorter than himself. Young man? Old Mr. Barnes was clearly losing it. “Uh, of course. We had studies and stuff. He told me everything.”
Old Mr. Barnes looked doubtful, his faded, watery blue eyes studying hers intently. Then he patted Haley’s hand knowingly. “If you have any questions, you come talk to me. I’d like that.”
Haley nodded, just wanting to get away from the strange, old man. “I’ll do that. Thanks.”
She made her way to where her parents were sitting in the very first pew. (“So I can get good pictures without having to go into the aisle,” her Mom explained.) Her eyes darted around the sanctuary, looking for Emmy and spotted her sitting a few rows back in her family’s usual place. It was funny how most families gravitated to the same pews week after week, as though they had claimed and staked them out possessively, like territory. There was very little moving around in her church she realized, which was a comforting thought. It was nice to know what to expect. There was enough change in life as it was.
As the service progressed, her nerves got worse. She tried to concentrate on the sermon, but found she couldn’t follow what Pastor Rick was saying. She kept checking her phone to see if Emmy had texted her and she’d missed it, but there was nothing. Did Emmy even care that she was getting baptized today? No, probably not. She’d made it clear she thought it was an unnecessary, old-fashioned thing to do. But hadn’t Jesus himself been baptized? And wasn’t he supposed to be our example in everything, Haley asked herself. She’d wanted very much to skip baptism, but she felt sure it was a step Christians were supposed to take. Otherwise, why would Peter have said, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit”?
She and Pastor Rick had talked about that verse during one of their very first Bible study sessions. Haley was excited about receiving the gift of the Holy Spirit and was sure it would be something she’d actually feel the moment Pastor Rick lifted her from the water, even though he’d cautioned her that the presence of the Holy Spirit wasn’t necessarily something you felt like a whoosh of hot air but something you experienced like receiving wisdom when you needed it in order to follow God. Still, it wasn’t like he could know for sure, was it, Haley had reasoned. God could do anything, couldn’t he? Maybe he would let her feel something as she received the Holy Spirit.
Her mother nudged her and hissed, “You need to go get ready now, sweetie.”
Haley made her way from the pew as quietly as she could and skulked down the aisle along the side of the church as she’d been taught, trying not to distract anyone. Her fingers felt cold and stiff and trembled as she changed from her beautiful dress into a pair of rumpled shorts and a T-shirt that she’d packed to wear beneath the long, white robe. She looked at herself for a second in the bathroom mirror before she made her way up to the small room on one side of the baptismal tank. She looked . . . scared, she thought.
She took a quavering breath and bowed her head. “God,” she began, but stopped and started again. “Lord,” she corrected herself, thinking “Lord” sounded more personal than simply “God.” “I’ve known You all my life, and I think I’ve got being a Christian down pretty good. This is sort of like graduation day, isn’t it? Sort of like getting your stamp of approval on my life. After this, everything will be set.” She glanced up at her reflection in the mirror again. Everything didn’t feel set. It felt raw and dangerous, as though she was about to step off the edge of a cliff.
“Whatever happens,” she whispered, watching her lips move in fascination, “please stay with me no matter what. Amen.”
The door of the bathroom flew open and her mother, excited and slightly annoyed, burst in. “There you are. Come on! They’re waiting for you!”
Haley fled, running as fast as she could, her bare feet making slapping sounds on the cold linoleum floor, up the carpeted steps, through the small room where she was supposed to have been waiting for her big moment. Panting, she flung open the door that lead to the large baptismal tank and stood there for a moment blinking, taking in the scene. Pastor Rick was standing in the tank already. He was holding a white facecloth in one hand, keeping it lifted slightly to avoid getting it wet. He smiled encouragingly at her.
“Here she is,” Pastor Rick said. “She didn’t get cold feet after all.” There was a ripple of amused, muffled laughter from the congregation.
Haley looked out at the sea of faces, but it was like she was looking out at a bunch of strangers. Gathering up the robe in one hand, she held onto the railing and carefully made her way down the steps into the tank of water to stand next to Pastor Rick. It wasn’t slippery, but the last thing she wanted after her dramatic entry was to get dunked before she was supposed to. Then they’d be cracking jokes about what a rush she’d been in after keeping them waiting.
She stood next to Pastor Rick trying not to look embarrassed while he recited a Bible text and talked about the importance of baptism. Her eyes wandered over the congregation, and she started to pick out familiar faces. Her parents, on the edge of their seats, Old Mr. Barnes, smiling encouragement, and then her eyes fell on Emmy and lodged there as if there was no one else in the entire church.
It was hard to ignore Emmy’s dark countenance from where she sat, glowering at her. “Hypocrite,” her accusing glare seemed to say. “Boyfriend stealer. Call yourself a Christian, huh? A real Christian would do the honorable thing and get her own boyfriend or at least not steal mine.”
“I didn’t steal him!” Haley wanted to wail. “He was never yours in the first place.”
Instead, she tried to tear her eyes from Emmy’s piercing stare and concentrate on what Pastor Rick was saying. This was one of the biggest occasions in her life, she reminded herself: birth, baptism, marriage, and death. She was supposed to be savoring every moment of it. She was supposed to be in deep communion with God throughout her experience. She was supposed to be “in the moment” not distracted by worrying about Emmy’s feelings over which she had no control. She couldn’t help that Maz liked her and not Emmy. At the thought she felt a warm glow push out the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach just for a moment.
Before she could rip her thoughts back again to what was actually going on, Pastor Rick smiled at her, put the facecloth over her nose and mouth, braced her back with his hand, and pushed her beneath the warm water in the baptismal tank. As she went underwater, all Haley could think was, What did he say? I missed it; I missed everything.
Her eyes weren’t open when she went underwater, she knew that, but it seemed as if they were because she felt as though she was going down into a watery grave and she could “see” the water closing in on top of her and then everything went black. The next thing she knew, Pastor Rick had hauled her out of the water and was patting her on the back and congratulating her, welcoming her into the family of God. She should have been happy, she knew, but instead, she was disappointed that she didn’t feel the Holy Spirit at all.
Haley and her parents stayed for the potluck after church. It was supposed to be a celebration of her baptism, but it didn’t feel much like it to Haley who had a headache and just wanted to go home. She glimpsed Emmy arguing with her parents near the stairs. No doubt Emmy was trying to convince them not to stay, which only made Haley want to cry even more. She had just botched her own baptism, a glorious moment she had fantasized about forever, and now her best friend was avoiding her over a boy, of all things. It felt like her life was over. What else could possibly go wrong?
“Are you okay, sweetie?” Her mom was taking a break from gushing to her friends about her trip to Paris. (“Can you believe he’s taking me to Paris after all these years? We didn’t even go to Paris on our first honeymoon.”) Her parents were leaving super early the next morning, so she could hardly blame them for being excited. It was just that their happiness grated on her nerves.
“I’m fine,” she said, mustering a smile and trying to look fine.
“It’s about time to open your presents,” her mother observed.
Haley hadn’t realized that people gave you presents when you got baptized, and the thought of being the center of attention while she opened all of them made her cringe. “Do I have to open them here?”
Her mother frowned. “Of course you do. What a question. Make sure you thank everyone.”
Before Haley could think much about this new mortification, she found herself seated at a table with a modest pile of cards and a few presents. Taking a deep breath, she worked her way through the cards first, pausing after skimming each to locate the giver in the sea of faces around her and parrot an automatic, “Thank you.” Her face was beginning to hurt from forcing a smile, when she reached for the last package.
It was a Bible. Not a new Bible, but a very obviously, very heavily used Bible. It had a beat-up leather cover and it even smelled old, though not bad, really. She opened it dutifully and tried to keep her features neutral. No doubt whoever had given it to her was watching her open it and she didn’t want to offend them.
Inside the Bible looked even more used, if that was possible. There was spidery writing in the margins, sections of highlighting in yellow. Why on earth, she wondered, would someone give an old, beat-up, used Bible as a gift? Well, she’d “lost” a Bible before. It wouldn’t be hard to lose another.
There was a name stamped in gold on the front cover, but it was so faded from handling that the gold had almost completely rubbed off and she couldn’t make out the name. Inside, on the flyleaf, it had two dedications. The first, written in a beautiful, faded, but hard to read cursive style read, “To my dearest Albert, may this book be a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path. May your life be dedicated to God and his work here on earth until the day we go home to meet him. This life has been cruel to you, my boy, but God, who loves you even more than I do, will guide you, guard you, and protect you, forever. Until we meet again, all my love, Grandmother Victoria.” The second, squeezed in beneath it was not so beautifully written, but it was addressed to her. It said, “To Haley Wagner, may the God of the Angel Armies go before you into battle. May his faith be your shield and his words a sword in your hand. May he bless you and give you strength for what lies ahead.” It was signed: Albert Barnes.
Old Mr. Barnes! Haley realized suddenly. She looked up and found the old man staring at her intently.
“Thank you,” she said automatically.
“You’re welcome,” Old Mr. Barnes replied. “I hope you read it.” He smiled and his face became even more wrinkled. His few remaining hairs had been combed carefully across the top of his shiny skull, and he was so frail a brisk wind would have knocked him over, but as Haley looked at him, she saw something else. He had an inner strength somehow that hadn’t been diminished by age or infirmity.
“I will,” Haley promised, without really meaning it.
Everyone else who had been watching Haley open presents had drifted away or gone back for a second helping of cake.
“I know it’s not new,” Old Mr. Barnes said, not apologetically as if excusing the condition of the book, but more by way of acknowledging the obvious. “But it is my most precious possession and has been my constant companion for most of my life. It was given to me by my grandmother shortly before she passed away. I was living with her, you see, after my parents died. But she became sick, and I lost her as well.”
Haley wasn’t really interested in the story, she hated sad stories, and it was hard to imagine Old Mr. Barnes as a child. In her imagination he looked exactly the same, just smaller. But she asked politely, “So what happened to you? Did you go live with another relative?”
Old Mr. Barnes seemed to forget for a moment that she was there. “No,” he said vaguely after a long pause during which Haley began to wonder if he had forgotten they were having a conversation. “I was sent to live in an orphanage. It wasn’t a nice orphanage. God’s love and that Bible were the only comfort I had.” He smiled a little which wrinkled his face even more. “Never forget that life and people will let you down, but God will never let you down.”
Haley nodded reflexively. She could see how that could be true. Old Mr. Barnes was, well, old, and so he was probably wise. She tried to absorb what he was telling her, but she was tired and overstimulated by everything that had happened that day.
“A little overwhelmed, are you?” Old Mr. Barnes asked gently.
Haley nodded, surprised that someone as ancient as Old Mr. Barnes could understand how she felt. “Yeah, I guess that’s it.”
“Don’t worry. It’s a big step.”
Haley almost groaned. She caught herself just in time not to roll her eyes. Instead, she smiled weakly. “That’s what they tell me.”
Chapter Three
Haley’s parents had gone on trips without her before a few times, mostly when her dad traveled for business and her mom went along. But they were usually short trips, a long weekend maybe; this was going to be two weeks of being on her own. She didn’t have any relatives, either. Her parents were both only children themselves. “Like you, honey,” Mom always said, trying to cheer her up whenever she wished out loud for a brother or sister. And three of her grandparents were dead. The fourth, Grandpa Wagner, was in a nursing home and had the sort of disease that meant he didn’t know them when they went to visit, so they didn’t visit very often.
That meant Haley got farmed out to friends whenever her parents were away. This time she was staying with the Gibsons. They were nice people from church. She and Emmy babysat for them sometimes. The idea was that she would stay with the Gibsons while her parents were gone, and while she was there, she would babysit their five children so they could get out of the house for a change. She didn’t mind; the kids were sweet most of the time.
The only thing that was hard to get used to was the noise level in the house. Her home was quiet; the Gibson’s home was loud. The kids ran around playing games, bouncing off the furniture; one of the littlest ones cried a lot because the older ones left him out, and neither Jack nor Dawn Gibson seemed to mind. When she asked about all the noise, they said it was perfectly normal, but it wasn’t normal to her. She told them she had homework to do, just for an excuse to go to her room and study.
Of course, it wasn’t quiet there, either, because she was sharing a room with the oldest girls: Lori, who was eight, and Sophia, who was seven. It didn’t take them long to track her down and join her in their room. They were pretty excited to have someone as grown up as Haley staying with them. They were mostly quiet, so she didn’t mind. But the rest of the crew found them easily and then the screaming started. The girls tried to kick the others out because they were “little kids” and the “little kids” started crying and carrying on because they thought they were missing out on all the fun.
By the time Haley went to bed that night and the house finally fell quiet, her head was throbbing. She wasn’t sure how she was going to survive two weeks like this. She missed her parents more than she’d expected, too. She hoped they were having a good time. She knew they’d arrived in Paris, at least, because she’d gotten a quick text from her mom. And her dad had sent a selfie of them both standing in front of some sort of landmark that Haley didn’t recognize but probably should have. They looked happy, and she felt a sharp pang of loneliness.
The next day was rough as she tried to get dressed and ready for school with a herd of little kids milling around her legs and pestering her with questions. Both Lori and Sophia asked a million questions about what she was wearing (a uniform, yuck), and they wanted to try out all her makeup. Mr. Gibson ended up having to wait for her, and she was late for homeroom. Of course, he didn’t realize she’d need a note or else she’d have to sit through a half hour detention after school, and Haley didn’t want to ask him for one since her tardiness was causing him to be late for work, too. So, she decided to suck it up and take the detention as punishment. Tomorrow she’d try to lock herself in the bathroom while she got ready.
She saw Emmy at lunch. She turned away, intending to sit elsewhere but then stopped. This had gone on long enough. Deliberately, she plunked her lunch tray right next to hers and sat down. Emmy stiffened but didn’t look at her.
“Look,” Haley said, “I don’t know why you’re mad at me. I didn’t ask Maz out; he asked me. That’s not my fault,” she pointed out reasonably. “And if it’s going to upset you this much, I’ll just tell him I can’t go.”
She swallowed hard. She really hoped she wouldn’t have to do that.
Emmy let out a big sigh, as though she’d been holding her breath. “What’s the point?” she asked quietly. “He obviously likes you more than me or he wouldn’t have asked you. Anyway,” she said, tossing her hair over her shoulder and putting on a brave “who cares” face, “I’m over him.”
“So . . . So, you’re okay with me going to the pep rally with him?” Haley asked hopefully.
Emmy’s mouth said, “Yes,” but her eyes were pools of hurt. “Of course. And anyway, I’m actually pretty sure Jimmy Hayes is going to ask me to the rally.”
“That’s great!” Haley gushed, trying to be happy for her. Last week they would have both laughed themselves senseless at the thought of going to the pep rally with Jimmy, with his long face that matched his tall, awkward frame, all elbows and knees and big feet that were apt to trip while performing tasks as simple as walking down an empty hallway.
They chatted a bit stiffly while they ate lunch and by the time they were putting their trays away in the rack, Haley felt as though their friendship had returned to almost normal, though still a bit shaky, footing. It was such a relief to be on semi-good terms with Emmy again that she didn’t really think anything of it when her study hall teacher tapped her on the shoulder as she was laboring over a particularly hard math problem.
Mr. Teller’s face was grim when she looked up, but even that couldn’t dampen her happiness over making up with Emmy. He must have gotten stuck with the job of supervising her detention. Surely he’d given other kids detention? If he felt that badly each time, working there must be a nightmare.
“Principal Louden wants to see you in her office,” he said quietly. “Would you like me to go with you?”
Haley had a flash of unease. “Do I have to explain why I was late since I don’t have a note?” she asked, gathering up her books.
He shook his head. “No, don’t worry about that.” His eyes were tortured, and he looked as though he felt very, very sorry for her.
“It’s okay,” she told him with an encouraging smile. “I’ve had detention before. It’s boring, but not too bad.”
Mr. Teller bit his lip. “This is worse than detention I’m afraid.”
Haley gulped. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No, it’s nothing like that. Just, please, go see Principal Louden,” he said. “Immediately.”
There was a man in rumpled slacks and a wrinkled button-up shirt sitting in the principal’s office when Haley arrived, panting slightly because she’d taken the stairs at a run and her backpack full of books was heavy. He lowered his eyes when he saw her, and Principal Louden came around to the front of her desk to pull out a chair for Haley and take her backpack. Haley let herself be shoved gently into the chair, but she could barely feel her legs. Something must be terribly, terribly wrong, she thought.
“Haley, Mr. Wright has come from the Department of Children and Families to tell you about . . . to talk to you . . .” Principal Louden’s voice faltered and Haley thought she might start crying. “Haley, I’m afraid he has bad news. There’s been an accident.”
Haley felt her mouth go dry. “What do you mean?” Had Mr. Gibson gotten into a car accident on his way to pick her up? Was he okay?
“Haley,” Mr. Wright said firmly but kindly, “there was a train accident just outside Paris today. Your parents were in a train car that collided with a cement overpass when the train derailed. I’m afraid they were killed instantly. I’m so sorry for your . . .”
Haley felt the shriek start in the pit of her stomach and hurl out of her mouth before she even heard it split the air like a siren. Mr. Wright seemed to expect it and braced himself; Principal Louden started sobbing openly and bent down to hug her. Haley flailed her arms, trying to shove the woman back, feeling as though she couldn’t breathe. She needed space. She needed air. She needed to wake up from this awful, horrible nightmare.
The screaming went on and on. She didn’t seem to be able to stop herself. The adults were talking to each other, she was aware of that, but it was like they were speaking another language. She couldn’t understand a word they said. She couldn’t understand anything except the size of the grief that filled every cell of her body. Just when she thought she couldn’t take it anymore, a black curtain drifted down around her, blocking out the adults, the screaming, and finally, the pain.
When Haley woke up, paramedics were checking her over. The Gibsons were speaking to Principal Louden and Mr. Wright. As soon as she saw that man she remembered what he’d told her, but it was as if she was incapable of sound now. She wasn’t even crying. How weird is that? she thought dully. You’d think I’d be crying. My parents are dead. She closed her eyes again, wanting to return to the dark place she’d come from where her parents weren’t really dead, or at least if they were, she didn’t know it. The sound, the people, and the pain vanished again.
The next few weeks were a blur when Haley thought about them. Her parents’ bodies were flown back to the States, and she’d had to get through their funeral. It was while she was standing at their graveside and Pastor Rick was talking about heaven being our real home and that someday they would all meet Gloria and Timothy again there, that Haley realized her parents might be gone from Earth, but they weren’t gone for good. Hadn’t Pastor Rick spent hours telling her they would be reunited with their loved ones in heaven someday? The thought didn’t make her jump for joy—it would be awhile before she felt joyful about anything, she suspected—but she did feel a flame of hope flicker inside, and she guarded it carefully.
The one question no one seemed to have an answer for was where Haley would live. For awhile, she hoped she’d get to stay with the Gibsons. She was getting used to how loud it was, and they were really nice people. She liked the kids and while the noise level was often a bit much to take, at least it was distracting. Being with the Gibsons was so different than her life with her parents that it helped her to forget they were gone, and she’d never get to go back to that life.
It was little Mikey who came to get her one evening as she was studying in her room, or trying to at least. Mikey stood in the doorway just watching her for a few minutes. Haley gave him a weak smile.
“There’s a strange man here to see you.”
Haley wouldn’t have called Mr. Wright strange, but that was certainly the feeling she got in her stomach when she saw him sitting with Mr. and Mrs. Gibson at the dining room table.
“Hello, Haley,” Mr. Wright said in his clipped, no-nonsense way. “How are you holding up?” He didn’t wait for an answer. Instead, he pushed his glasses up higher on his nose and folded his hands in front of him on the table. “I don’t know if anyone has explained this to you, Haley, but your parents died without naming a guardian for you. Since you appear to have no relatives aside from a grandparent who is not even capable of taking care of himself, let alone a young girl, the state is left with somewhat of a dilemma. Do you understand?”
Haley nodded mutely. She was all alone in the world. There was nobody to want her. She snuck a glance at Mrs. Gibson, hoping against hope she might jump in and say something. The woman’s eyes were pools of misery, and her lips were pressed into a thin line.
Mr. Gibson intercepted the look and cleared his throat. “Haley, you know we’d love to have you come and live with us . . .” Her heart soared with relief, but then crashed as he continued with obvious anguish, “but they just put me on half time at work.” He spread his hands. “With five kids and Dawn unable to work because of her carpal tunnel, I don’t know how we’re going to make it as it is.”
“So Haley,” Mr. Wright continued as if her hopes had not just been shattered into a million pieces, “I’ve located you a very nice foster family. They have been fostering children for us for a long time, and we’ve never had any complaints. At this time, you’ll be their only foster child, which we think is ideal for the, uh, time being, anyway.” He looked at Haley brightly, as though waiting for her to demonstrate her gratitude, but Haley couldn’t find her voice. A foster family? She was going to live with strangers?
“Isn’t there anyone . . .” she started to ask, her voice pleading, but Mr. Wright cut her off.
“So, if you’ll go pack your things, we’ll be going.”
Haley froze as though he’d slapped her. “Right now this minute?” she squeaked, fear filling her.
Mr. Wright glanced at his watch. “I’m afraid so. We’re rather late,” he said apologetically to Mr. and Mrs. Gibson who sat perfectly still, looking wretched.
Haley packed her suitcase with numb fingers and followed Mr. Wright out to his shabby, black junker of a car. She brushed potato chip bags and discarded candy bar wrappers from the seat, trying not to step on an empty soda can as she climbed into the passenger side.
Mr. Wright didn’t apologize for the mess; he just threw some folders onto the cluttered back seat and told her to buckle up before he drove carefully out of his parking space and headed toward a section of town everyone called the Gut. The name alone was enough to strike terror into Haley’s heart. She’d been warned all her life to stay as far away from the Gut as possible. Gangs hung out there. Druggies, the homeless, and people up to every kind of mischief called that place home. Under no circumstances had she been allowed to go there.
“Do my . . . foster parents,” she almost choked on the distasteful words, “live in the Gut?” she asked, her eyes wide with fear.
Mr. Wright chuckled. “I haven’t heard anybody call it that since I was a kid.” He shook his head. “They don’t live in the Gut; they live just outside it. But your new school is in the Gut.”
“My new school?” Haley echoed in dread. It hadn’t even occurred to her that she’d have to leave her school. She felt disoriented, as though she’d been dropped into a foreign country where nothing was familiar.
He glanced over at her. “Sorry. There’s no money to pay for your private school. You’ll have to go to the local public school. But don’t worry. It has a very high ranking in the state for . . . academics.” Haley knew that they both knew that academics weren’t the only thing that high school had a high ranking in, but she was too miserable to say anything and simply slunk down and stared out the filthy window.
The city got dirtier and sketchier the further they traveled. They pulled up to a grimy looking white house that had been divided into several apartments. Mr. Wright led her up a set of creaky stairs that smelled of cabbage and cat pee. Before he could knock on the door, it was opened by a smiling woman. She was short and stocky. Her chin-length brown hair swung past chubby cheeks, and her eyes nearly disappeared when she smiled. She seemed friendly enough, Haley thought, though she wanted to duck when the woman threw her arms open wide and wrapped them around her cooing, “Oh, you poor little thing.”
Mr. Wright cleared this throat, and the woman released Haley who wanted very badly to hide behind Mr. Wright, or better yet, to run away. “Barb, this is Haley Wagner. Haley, this nice lady is Barb Galley.”
“I’m so happy to meet you Haley,” Barb said effusively. “I’m so sorry Joe isn’t back yet. He ran down to the corner store for some groceries. He’ll be home any minute,” she explained aside to Mr. Wright who nodded and set Haley’s only suitcase down just inside the door.
“I won’t stay,” he said. “I have a lot of paperwork to finish up before I can go home tonight. Haley, call me if you have any questions or concerns, but I’ll be in touch soon. Any possessions you left at your school will be delivered here tomorrow, and you’ll have the opportunity to remove anything you like from your parents’ condo before the estate is sold. Okay?”
No! Haley wanted to shout. It’s not okay; it will never be okay again. Instead, she nodded and said nothing. Mr. Wright left and she was alone with Barb Galley.
“You must be hungry,” Barb said. “If you want, we don’t have to wait for Joe. He won’t mind.” She paused and then added, “I’m actually not sure when he will be home. Sometimes he stops off at the local watering hole for a beer and a game of pool with his buddies. Are you hungry?”
Haley wasn’t sure she could eat if her life depended on it, but she nodded.
Barb looked relieved. “Good. Well, let me show you to your room first and let you get settled, and then we’ll have supper. I’ve made us a nice lentil stew. Do you like lentils? They’re very good for you, supposedly. A lot of iron or maybe some other vitamin thingy, I think.” As she spoke, she lead the way down the short hall to a plain room that reminded Haley of a motel room. It had the standard equipment: bed, bureau, chair, television, and desk. None of it was especially nice or new. Even the curtains and bed linens looked old, and it was nothing like the beautiful bedroom she’d had at home. She set her suitcase down uncertainly on the bed and then changed her mind and moved it to the floor.
“Get yourself situated,” Barb said, “and then come on back to the kitchen, and we’ll eat.”
Haley nodded, not trusting herself to speak. As soon as that woman shut the door, she was sure she would burst into tears, but she didn’t. She felt totally lost, as though she’d wandered into a strange city on a strange planet where nothing would ever be the same again. She unpacked her things quickly, knowing Mrs. Galley was waiting for her.
At the bottom of her suitcase she found the worn Bible Old Mr. Barnes had given her. She didn’t remember packing it and had never even taken it out at the Gibson’s. She thought with irony of the floor-to-ceiling bookshelves in her old room. Hundreds of books. And now she had just one, and it wasn’t even the pretty one her parents had given her. Or even a book she read much. About the only time she did read it was at church. Even then she used the app on her phone when the speaker had them look up texts during the sermon.
Haley took the Bible in her hands and sat down on the edge of the bed. In the midst of swirling change, as all her anchors were swept away, here was one thing that remained the same. Her parents, her school, her house, and life as she knew it might be gone, but God was the same. God would always be the same. Didn’t the Bible say He never changed?
“God,” Haley whispered, “please don’t let me go. You’re all I have. Show me what to do.”